The Lives We Didn’t Live: Why You’re Grieving the Alternate You
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Not all grief has a funeral. Some griefs live in the shadow of what could have been.
You know that flicker. The one that appears mid-scroll or just before sleep —
What if I’d stayed?
What if I’d left sooner?
What if I had chosen differently — would I be… happier?
It’s not quite regret. Not envy. Not nostalgia. It’s something quieter. More haunting. Psychologically speaking? You’re grieving the life you didn’t live.
This isn’t FOMO. It’s existential grief.
Coined in clinical literature, existential grief refers to a kind of nonfinite loss — the emotional residue of dreams unrealized or identities unlived. As therapists, we see this grief show up in transitions: career changes, parenthood, breakups, “quarter-life” or “midlife” shifts.
“We all have unlived lives… those selves we imagined we’d be.”
— Stephen Grosz, psychoanalyst, The Examined Life
According to Pauline Boss, the researcher behind ambiguous loss, “grief without closure” is one of the most emotionally taxing human experiences. And it doesn’t always follow death. Sometimes, it follows choice.
Why this grief feels confusing — and so valid
Research in counterfactual thinking shows that we are wired to imagine alternate versions of our lives — not just to fantasize, but to help understand our identity. A study in Psychological Science found that mentally simulating “what might have been” helps us assign meaning to choice, loss, and selfhood.
But when the imagined life feels more right than the real one, emotional dissonance begins.
This grief can look like:
- Restlessness that doesn’t match your external life
- A quiet sadness on birthdays or anniversaries
- The sense that you’re out of sync with the life you “should” be grateful for
This isn’t immaturity or ingratitude. It’s emotional complexity. And it deserves tending.
How to honour the self you didn’t become
1. Narrative Journaling
Write to the version of you you didn’t become. What would she say to you now? What do you need to tell her?
According to a study in the Journal of Clinical Psychology, writing about “possible selves” increases emotional clarity and helps integrate identity.
Start with our Sunday Journaling Series — it’s designed to help you reflect gently, not perform healing.
2. Self-Compassionate Reflection
Dr. Kristin Neff’s research shows that self-compassion increases resilience and emotional flexibility. Try this grounding line:
“I did the best I could with what I knew then.”
3. Create a symbolic goodbye
Sometimes we need closure even for the imaginary. Light a candle. Write a letter. Name what didn’t happen.
Your brain registers ritual — even if it’s symbolic.
Close the moment with a gentle affirmation. Our Sunny Side Up cards were designed for days like this — when you don’t need a solution, just softness.
You’re not “behind.” You’re grieving time.
This is one of the hardest truths to hold:
We don’t just grieve people. We grieve timelines. Fantasies. Versions of ourselves who stayed in the draft folder.
Just because it didn’t happen, doesn’t mean it didn’t shape you.
Your grief is valid — even if no one else can see it. Especially then.
Further Reading
There is no perfect life. Only the one you choose to live — fully, finally, and sometimes with a little ache for the others.
You can love your life and still miss the lives that never arrived. That’s not failure. That’s what it means to be human.
