"You know what happens when you assume? You make an ass out of you and me."

Recently, I came across a video that stuck with me. The ad, created by an Italian Down syndrome organization called CoorDown for World Down Syndrome Awareness Day, concludes with: "Assume that I can, so maybe I will." Apart from being beautifully made, it forced me to look back at all the times my assumptions shaped how I saw people and situations—and how those assumptions shaped my behavior toward them. The result? I kept shooting myself in the foot.

I think we've all been asses at some point, especially when we've written off younger generations as "less than" because social conditions and social media make it easy to. My biases about men in relationships colored how I approached a friend struggling with her partner—I assumed he was taking advantage of her without knowing the full story or even meeting him. One of the worst assumptions I held, unaware until I was called out: women in the workplace are "too emotional" and therefore unreasonable. These beliefs have since been dismantled, but only because I finally questioned them.

The video crystallizes a crucial point: assumptions aren't just mental shortcuts. They're judgments we make without verification, and they land on real people who bear the weight of our certainty.

We've all felt like colossal asses when our assumptions turn out to be wrong. But have we considered the impact on the person we were an ass to?

Are Assumptions Really That Bad?

Our brains are meaning-making machines, constantly trying to make sense of the world. It's how we learn, understand, and navigate life. One of the primary tools? Assumptions.

They show up as stereotypes, prejudices, biases, preconceived notions, social conditioning. They breed in the soil of media, culture, family, and environment.

We all do it.

We're all asses in this. We're all impacted by it, and we all impact others with it.

Think of it like a jigsaw puzzle where a piece looks like it might fit, but you don't try it because something feels off. So you set it aside until there are no pieces left, and then you stubbornly insist it doesn't belong—even when it clearly does. Or imagine a game where everyone thinks they know the rules, but no one has read the rulebook, and no one will ask for clarification.

That's what assumptions do in our daily interactions. They act as invisible barriers, warping messages and breeding misunderstandings. We fill in gaps with our own interpretations, assuming we know what someone means—and confusion or conflict follows.

How Did Assumptions Become So Automatic?

Our brains are connection-seeking machines. Through learning, conditioning, and observation, information gets absorbed, sorted, and filed away for instant retrieval—like a computer organizing data.

Think about the last time you met someone new. Within seconds—literally seconds—you made snap judgments about their appearance, body language, and posture. All of it is informed by experiences, ideas, and beliefs you've accumulated over a lifetime. But here's the thing: as that meeting progressed, your brain updated those assumptions. The more you learned, the more your perception shifted.

We all want to understand, to know, to be right—about ourselves and others. Our sense of self is built on assumptions. Sometimes those assumptions dictate what information we seek out or create. These mental patterns create self-reinforcing loops that make challenging assumptions incredibly difficult.

I see this constantly in therapy. One client believed she was a burden to her partner because she felt "too much"—a belief her parents instilled in childhood when her needs felt overwhelming to them. Unconsciously, she began acting out of control. She hurt her partner, behaved destructively, made it nearly impossible for him to understand what was happening—especially since he'd always shown her love and care. She knew, rationally, he was a great partner. But the destructive behavior escalated. They'd fight, reconcile, then fight worse the next time. When he'd break down during her outbursts, feeling helpless, she saw it as proof: he didn't want her because she was too much. Classic confirmation bias. Only when we challenged those assumptions did she recognize the pattern she'd been trapped in.

What Role Do Emotions Play?

Emotions—happiness, hurt, fear, anger, guilt, shame—are powerful drivers of assumptions. When we're in an emotionally heightened state, our brains shift into overdrive, racing to assess and react. That heightened state becomes a filter, tinting everything we perceive. We make assumptions based on how we feel, not what's objectively true.

Another client couldn't accept that his partner was struggling when her mother was hospitalized. He felt hurt, dismissed—so he assumed she didn't love him. His belief system was rigid: if someone loves you, they prioritize you above all else, no matter what. That's what love meant to him because that's what he learned—love through self-erasure, through prioritizing others' needs over his own. His hurt distorted reality: if she wasn't showing love his way, then love didn't exist at all.

Assumptions will always exist. They form the foundation of our attitudes, behaviors, and sense of self. They're not always accurate, but they're always influential.

So Are We Doomed (to Our Assumptions)?

Assumptions operate below conscious awareness, subtly shaping our perceptions and decisions without our permission. But learning to challenge them is possible—and crucial. The first step is self-awareness. You have to become a detective in your own mind, catching yourself mid-assumption and asking: Is this actually true?

Critical thinking becomes your greatest ally. It means examining your beliefs and the evidence (or lack of it) behind them. Training yourself to pause, observe your thoughts without judgment, creates space between what happens and how you respond.

Let me show you what this looks like in practice with an assumption I'm actively working through.

Stranger Danger: Strangers are dangerous.

This one surfaces every time I get in a cab. I'm someone who'd rather walk for hours than sit with uncomfortable emotions. Growing up, my parents were protective—not restrictive, but afraid. My dad would pick us up at any hour, no questions asked. That was normal. Taking cabs or public transport? Not an option, because we were girls. (Context: we grew up as cellphones were just becoming a thing.)

Even now, every cab ride triggers discomfort—worry, vigilance, no matter the time of day. It was limiting my independence. These days, I take cabs more often. Here's how I navigate the emotions and assumptions:

The assumptions: Women aren't safe. Men want to harm women. If you're alone, no one will help. These aren't random—they're built from layers of learning, societal messaging, conditioning, and lived experience.

What fuels it: Worry.

The cost: Heightened discomfort, hypervigilance, and some level of dysfunction in daily life. I start by acknowledging what I already know: yes, this is something I worry about. I also know my contingency plans—what to do if things go wrong.

Then I ask: "How do I know this assumption is true right now?" What evidence do I have that this specific driver is harmful? Has he shown signs? Is there anything concrete feeding this fear?

Every cab ride I've taken has, in practice, disproven this assumption. I'm not saying every ride has been smooth—there's been the occasional intrusive comment, reckless driving, sketchy vibe. But dangerous? No. 99% of drivers just want to do their job and drop me off as quickly as possible. That's actually... relieving.

Training myself to stay present, to observe my thoughts without letting them hijack me, has created breathing room. Cognitive restructuring—challenging and updating these ingrained patterns—has helped me become almost comfortable with cabs now.

Understanding my assumptions has meant holding two truths at once: the world isn't always safe for women, and not every person is a threat. That tension, that balance, has opened me up to new experiences.

The goal isn't to eliminate assumptions. It's to understand them, investigate them, question them—and update them as we move through life.