Building Trust In Relationships

A Guide To Building Trust In Relationships

Trust—it’s one of those words we hear all the time. We tell people to "trust the process," "trust their gut," and "trust each other." But have you ever stopped to think about what trust really means? Is it just about believing someone won’t betray you, or does it go deeper than that?

I found myself pondering this after a conversation with a group of children, and let me tell you, they had some of the most simple yet profound insights on trust.

"Trust is When My Friend Keeps My Secret"

One afternoon, while working with a group of young children, I casually asked them, "What does trust mean to you?"

One child, around six years old, immediately said, "Trust is when my friend keeps my secret."

That struck me. As adults, we tend to intellectualise trust—seeing it as a social contract, a foundation of relationships, something that is either earned or lost. But to a child, trust is as simple as confiding in someone and knowing they won’t betray you.

This made me think of an incident a client had referred to in therapy. It was of a time in school when they told a classmate a secret—something silly, really, about a crush I had on a boy in the next class. The very next day, they walked into school, and there it was—everyone knew. Their stomach dropped. The betrayal felt monumental. This shaped their understanding of trust.

Because trust isn’t just about someone keeping your secrets. It’s about the feeling of safety that comes with it. The idea that you can be vulnerable with someone and not be hurt in return. And that, in its essence, is what children understand so well.

"My Mom Says She’ll Pick Me Up, and She’s Always There"

Another child chimed in, "Trust is when my mom says she’ll pick me up after school, and she’s always there."

This one got me too.

Trust is reliability. It’s knowing that when someone says they’ll do something, they follow through. If someone is there when they say they will be, I trust them. If they repeatedly cancel or let me down, my trust erodes.

"Trust is When Someone Tells You the Truth"

Another child in the group raised her hand and said, "Trust is when someone tells you the truth, even when it’s not nice."

That one hit home.

I thought about friendships where people sugarcoat things or avoid difficult conversations. We often assume that trust is about people always making us feel good. But real trust? It’s about honesty.

I once had a friend who told me, "I love you, but you’re being really unfair in this situation." At first, I was defensive. But later, I realized she said it because she cared. If she didn’t trust me—or if I didn’t trust her—she would have just told me what I wanted to hear. That’s the thing about trust. It’s not just about feeling safe. It’s about knowing that even the uncomfortable truths will be shared with kindness and care.

How We Build (and Break) Trust

Listening to these kids, I was reminded of Brené Brown’s BRAVING model, which breaks trust into key components:

Boundaries: Clearly defining what’s okay and what’s not. If someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, trust is broken.

Reliability: Doing what you say you’ll do—over and over again.

Accountability: Owning up to mistakes and making things right.

Vault: Keeping confidences. What someone shares in trust stays with you.

Integrity: Choosing courage over comfort—standing by your values even when it’s hard.

Non-judgment: Being able to share without fear of ridicule.

Generosity: Assuming the best intentions in others.

The Fragility of Trust

We often assume that trust is built in grand gestures, but in reality, it’s the small things that matter most. A friend who remembers something you said in passing. A partner who doesn’t roll their eyes at your worries. A colleague who gives you credit for your ideas.

And yet, trust can be shattered in an instant. One broken promise, one careless lie, one moment of betrayal can undo years of trust. That’s why it takes time to build and moments to break.

I once had a close friend who shared something personal I had told her in confidence. I was heartbroken. It wasn’t just that she told someone—it was that she dismissed my feelings when I confronted her. "It’s not a big deal," she said. But it was. Because trust isn’t just about actions. It’s about whether someone values your feelings.

Learning to Trust Again

So what happens when trust is broken? Do we just give up on people? Do we build walls and never let anyone in?

The kids I spoke to had an answer to that too.

"If someone breaks my trust, they have to show me they’re sorry," one child said. "Not just say it. They have to do it."

Simple, right? Yet so often, we accept apologies without changed behavior. Or worse, we hold onto resentment without giving people a chance to make things right. Trust, like any relationship, requires effort from both sides.

At the end of the conversation, I asked the kids one last question: "How do you know if you can trust someone?"

One little boy, who had been quiet the whole time, finally spoke up. "You just feel it," he said. "When someone is good to you, and they don’t make you scared."

And maybe that’s what it comes down to. Trust isn’t just about actions or words. It’s about the feeling of safety and security we get with people who show up for us, who are honest with us, and who care about our well-being.

So the next time you wonder if someone trusts you, ask yourself—do they feel safe with me? Because at the end of the day, trust isn’t just about secrets or promises. It’s about the unspoken understanding that we’re in this together, and we’ll protect each other’s hearts as best as we can.

And if kids can get that, maybe we can too.

Back to blog

Zahra Diwan

Zahra uses a compassionate, inclusive, and trauma-informed approach to help clients build self-awareness and create meaningful change.Passionate about the human experience, Zahra believes vulnerability fosters growth and self-reflection.

This year, she focuses on strengthening relationships within families, couples, and friendships.

Book A Session